The #Endowarrior Litany of Humility

*** This litany emerged from a night of grappling with God’s plan for my life as a Daughter of the King and as a woman. Where is the source of my worth & dignity? Why must I bear this cross? Why am I lovable? What is authentic femininity? I decided to stop grasping. I truly desire healing and restoration, but I desire being united with God more- come what may. God’s ways are not my ways. You are beautiful. You are enough. You are Made in His Image. ***

THE LITANY OF HUMILITY:

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being a biological mother …
From the desire of being loved for my reproductive health …
From the desire of being extolled for my reproductive health …  
From the desire of being honored for my reproductive health … 
From the desire of being praised for my reproductive health … 
From the desire of being preferred for my reproductive health …
From the desire of being consulted for my reproductive health … 
From the desire of being approved for my reproductive health … 

From the fear of being humiliated because of my womanly struggles …
From the fear of being despised because of my womanly struggles …
From the fear of suffering rebukes because of my womanly struggles …
From the fear of being calumniated because of my womanly struggles …
From the fear of being forgotten because of my womanly struggles …
From the fear of being ridiculed because of my womanly struggles …
From the fear of being wronged because of my womanly struggles …
From the fear of being suspected because of my womanly struggles …

That others may be loved more than I:
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be esteemed more than I as a biological mother, wife, & woman …
That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease … That my trust in your loving and merciful plan for my life may increase … That salvific suffering may open my heart to love beyond measure …
That others may be chosen and I set aside …
That others may be praised and I unnoticed …
That others may be preferred to me in everything…
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…

AMEN.

** original text for the Litany of Humility was found on ewtn.com

NFP Raw & Unscripted: An Encounter with Popes & Saints

Rome, Italy- Fall 2018

When I envisioned Rome and the Vatican, shedding dewy tears in the Tomb of the Popes beneath St. Peter’s Basilica kneeling before the Tomb of now St. Pope Paul VI wasn’t my first vision or any vision for that matter. My Italy trip, generously bequeathed by my parents, coincided with the preparations for the canonization for Pope Paul VI and Oscar Romero along with the beginning of the Synod on Youth. I’m a private person (so sayeth the Catholic blogger.) What drove a private, composed girl like me to shed private, composed tears in Rome? Of human life.

For those familiar with Compline or Night prayer you encounter: “When I called out, he heard me, the God of my righteousness. When I was in trouble, you gave me freedom: now, take pity on me and listen to my prayer.” (Psalm 4) My NFP (Natural Family Planning) Story mirrors this Psalm. This verse professes staunch faith and hope in the Lord, proclaims His loving plan, embraces the freedom of His plan, but still pleads and cries out in prayer and supplication for His mercy and grace. My NFP journey is strewn with seemingly insurmountable obstacles coupled with immeasurable healing sometimes physical but even more so spiritual and emotional.

Three years ago, I “knew” learning, practicing, and utilizing Creighton NFP (a method inspired by St. Paul VI’s Humanae Vitae) as a single, unmarried young adult as a diagnostic tool for my reproductive health would be a physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual stretch. The method did not disappoint in that regards and exceeded my expectations in providing a plethora of opportunities for personal growth and maturation. What surprised me and rattled me to my core would be the profound revelation of my femininity through the eyes of my Creator. A glimpse that many women and men in our modern times never experience for various reasons or willfully reject.

The liberating message of the Gospel of Life has been put into your hands.” – Saint John Paul II. When I passed by the sarcophagus of then Bl. Paul VI now Saint Paul VI, I felt little happiness or liberation in that precise moment. The weight of physical, emotional strain coupled with the confusion of international travel and the stress of unknown outcomes wore heavily on me topped with mind-altering migraine medications. I wasn’t prepared for my encounter with the remains of a man who championed the truth and suffered for it decades before my earthly existence. The precise truth I choose to suffer with and for today.

After celebrating early morning Mass in St. Peter’s a few days later, after a few days of reflection and improved sleep, I chose to encounter St. Pope Paul VI. I bee-lined across the vast expanse of St. Peter’s Basilica towards the entrance into the Tomb of the Popes. My deft footsteps echoed softly on the marble floors. I slid silently onto a massive, glossy wooden kneeler placed before his tomb for the devout onlooker to stop and pray in preparation for his impending canonization. I knelt before the remains of a Saint- a Saint of my century.

My eyes glazed over staring at St. Paul VI’s sarcophagus as a flood of memories, experiences, pain, sadness, confusion, desperation, hope, joy, gratitude, and awe flooded before me. My mind raced as emotions and feelings frantically jumped in a thousand directions. I buried my head into my hands as the tears threatened to tumble down my cheeks. The din of tourists’ footsteps floated around me but left me untouched. St. Paul VI and I had our moment.

In our own ways, we both made a life-altering choice by choosing a lasting but unpopular truth. Amid the cultural clamoring and storms of confusion, we anchored ourselves to the firm foundation of God’s design for mankind in His deliberate and intelligent design for man and woman for family, intimacy, and reproduction. We both paid an earthly price for that choice. We both suffered. We both loved.

Kneeling there in tears, I recognized many of the female and male tourists admiring their surroundings rejected the teachings of Pope Paul VI and Humanae Vitae. We all live with the repercussions. I verged towards angry. Then a young adult man about my age knelt down beside me. Two young adults one man and one woman both products of the St. John Paul II era and the new evangelization knelt before the tomb of St. Paul VI champion for Human Life and Father of Truth in humble supplication. In that moment, I felt hope.

There is more to my story with my encounter with St. Paul VI (more that I’m still processing and accepting) but this gives you a glimpse at how God works in surprising and mysterious ways. “For man cannot attain that true happiness for which he yearns with all the strength of his spirit, unless he keeps the laws which the Most High God has engraved in his very nature. These laws must be wisely and lovingly observed. – Humanae Vitae

May God bless and keep you all in 2019!

Come What May- The Tears Behind My NFP Story

Compline 2

“I stretch out my arms to you, I stretch out my soul, like a land without water.” Psalm 142-143 is recited during Compline or Night Prayer of the Liturgy of the Hours every few rotations. This verse always sticks with me. Sometimes this verse lingers for days. I figured after rejecting writing this post for years, the holy Spirit finally granted me enough courage and wisdom to proceed.

I hope when people read my blog posts involving my personal journey of seeking reproductive health and wellness through Natural Family Planning’s Creighton Method and Naptrotechnology they feel encouraged or dare I say empowered to seek their own health, wellness, and healing too. In my experience, health comes after a journey. A journey which mostly consists of striving, seeking, failing, falling, and struggle with brilliant moments of awe, splendor, joy, healing, and beauty.

On occasion I make fleeting references to “deep spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical pain.” My disposition and cultural upbringing upholds privacy in high regards followed by sucking it up maybe even higher. Before I continue. I disclaim that Creighton NFP and Naprotechnolgy is 100% worthwhile and 100% character and virtue building.

Over the past three years I have practiced Creighton NFP and undergone Naprotechnology treatment, I’ve suffered in ways I never thought imaginable. Even with all my years of chronic illness, pain, and struggles there were moments I didn’t know you could feel so poorly and still be alive. During the height of my precipitous hormonal spikes and plummets coupled with mind-boggling pain, I felt myself slowly slipping into emotional and mental decline fraying at the seams. There were moments I felt out-of-control and one worse moment away from the shreds of sanity I clung onto slipping through my fingers. It was the first time in my life I prayed to God, “even if I loose my mind, you will take care of me and love me.” To this day, those darker moments of my NFP journey taught me a richer humility and gratitude.

The first Valentine’s Day I spent with the dear man I’m courting involved watching the movie “La Vita E Bella” or “Life Is Beautiful” and ended with me crippled over sobbing and shaking in severe pain which would eventually be diagnosed a year and half later as endometriosis. My life became moments between varying degrees of pain, discomfort, bloating, and swelling. I approached my family, work, social, and spiritual life as a calculated measure of energy and health with the possibility of rapid changes. I remember a specific incident at a Diocesan Young Adult Adoration when I laid curled up in the pew wheezing between painful stabs. I have countless similar memories.

Somehow only a being like Our Heavenly Father could have brought so much good into so much pain, suffering, confusion, and hopelessness. Yes, I cooperated with His grace and offered up my suffering gladly. Only a current of grace kept me from drowning. There was a wind beneath my faltering wings that shouldn’t have existed but did. Somewhere in the bleakness I discovered my God-given worth and dignity. There were moments I faltered. Somehow I found God in the darkness shining out His soft, warm, and merciful glow. A light that not only saved me but permeated my being and illuminated how God saw me- BEAUTIFULLY and WONDERFULLY Made. This rocked me to my core. Creighton NFP didn’t just give me a chance at health, wellness, healing, and fertility but saved my view of womanhood and femininity. NFP taught me my dignity as a woman come what may.

The whole learning, practicing, and utilizing Creighton NFP is NOT easy. There rarely is a quick fix, a magic pill or device, or a happy phrase or witty expression to make it all go away. Your vision will eventually blur from trying to decide how to categorize your cervical mucous. Your chart might look like a Christmas display with colors and corrections. You may feel scared, frustrated, angry, concerned, confused, exasperated, exhausted, isolated, etc.  You may even “give up” or “take a break.” You may forget when to start your hormone therapy or pull out your hair trying to decide when to have your P+7 labs drawn. It’s okay to mess up and fail. It’s not about practicing to perfection. It’s simply about practicing, learning, and growing. Take it all one day at a time. Learn how to brush yourself off when you fall down and learn how to move forward in a healthier and kinder manner. Practicing NFP is about trying and not giving up on the method, yourself, God, or you loved ones.

Don’t give up on yourself even when you’re broken- beautifully broken- and feel unlovable and lost. God sees you whole, beautiful, and worthy of love- ALWAYS.