Forgive and Forget? My brain wasn’t designed for that.

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The holidays are upon us opening doors to joy and blessings and suffering and wounds. Real forgiveness doesn’t equate to the secular quip, “Forgive and forget” which by the way is cognitively impossible unless brain trauma exists. Real forgiveness is an act of the will, an act of love not a feeling or emotion. “Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart.” – Corrie ten Boom.

Psychologist believe about 90% of hurts inflicted are unintentional, leaving room for 10% of intentional wounding and maiming. But people still feel 100% of the hurts whether intentional or unintentional. When a person feels threatened (i.e., someone is about to learn something that they don’t want as public or private knowledge,) they react. As you approach a wounded dog, even with the best intentions, the dog either runs away (flight) or snaps at you (fight.) People “act out” too, in various methods and manners. Except, with our God-given intellect and cognitive capabilities, humans can be crueler and more calculated in inflicting hurt. This is where forgiveness come in.

Forgiveness acknowledges wrong-doing or bad behavior and does not excuse it. Uncover the wounds by listing “who?” and “how?” Articulate the “how,” “why,” etc. This knowledge is followed by evaluating whether your personal behavior needs to change or boundaries set in-place. Make decisions. Sometimes this step involves seeking professional counseling or pastoral care. God didn’t request us to be doormats. He did ask us to turn the other cheek, but then what?

My counselor describes: “Your friend is sitting next to you and keeps poking your eye. You shouldn’t let your friend keep poking you in the eye (if you do, that is a a deeper issue.) You have a few options. 1.) Tell your friend to STOP! and your friend stops and can remain sitting beside you. 2.) Tell you friend to STOP! but your friend still pokes occasionally. You request they move across the room from you. 3.) Tell your friend to STOP! but your friend keeps poking whether next to you or across the room from you. You need to ask your friend to leave the room, i.e. BOUNDARIES.

To achieve forgiveness you don’t need reconciliation or an apology. Why? People apologize all the time without meaning a word. A sincere apology is rare. Sometimes apologies do more harm than good. For example, a women or man who has experienced intimate partner violence does not need to reconnect with their abusive partner to gain an apology. Reconnecting could be dangerous and harmful to the wounded person. Reconciliation requires repentance. Repentance is a free-will choice, and even God can’t make a person choose reconciliation and repentance. So neither can you or I.

Embracing an attitude of forgiveness frees the wounded. And allows for healing. Forgiveness, the person it frees is yourself. Authentic forgiveness allows people, like you and I, to make a choice in a bad situation. A choice that will either free us or shackle us. To take responsibility for my sins and transgressions but to embrace mercy and compassion. To forgive myself and others as Christ forgave. We are all sinners. And God loves us all. In the end, God is the judge and juror of our lives, but he did ask, “forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.” Amen.

*** This post was inspired by 4+ years of clinical, Catholic counseling. Don’t know where to start? Try searching for faith based, Catholic counselors @ LINK. May God bless you and keep you all.***

Breakfast the Most Challenging Meal of the Day. SOLUTION: My Morning Shakes

Whether your seeking health and wellness and/or you have a tumultuous relationship with food, breakfast begins your nourishment for the day. For years, I skipped breakfast or limited my food intake due to varying levels of nausea and the sensation my digestive system didn’t wake up until 10-11 am. I also don’t enjoy most breakfast foods.

Once you’re an adult, skipping breakfast becomes more difficult as your body changes with age and your responsibilities/ schedule change. With my development of chronic and complicated migraines, skipping morning sustenance increased my headaches and propensity for migraines.

The solution: My Dad participated in a corporate wellness research program as a data analyst. A local manufacturing plant’s human resource department wanted to increase the health and wellness of their employees. Part of the experimental program involved morning “health shakes” that replaced breakfast but provided essential nutrients, vitamins, and minerals through raw food. The stats proved significant increase in health indicators and markers in the bloodstream plus weight loss or maintenance.

My Dad brought his work project home and introduced it to my mom and I. Now these shakes are a staple in our morning routines. Instead of feeling grossed out by food in the morning, not only do I tolerate but enjoy the shakes most morning (not always but the alternative is worse.) I blend the shake 5-6 days of the week, and take a break once at least once a week.

My Morning Shakes:

  • Organic Unsweetened Cherries
  • Organic Berry Blend- Blackberries/Strawberries/Blueberries
  • Organic Power Greens- Kale/Spinach/Salad Greens
  • 1/2 Banana
  • Filtered Water

Other Options:

  • More or Less of any of the above
  • Slices of Avocado- protein

Process:

I use a Magic Bullet Blender or a Ninja Blender with the tall glass attachment. I’m guessing my shake is around 16 oz. The process is simple stuff it all in and blend with water until the desires consistency. My blend includes 4-5 cherries,  1/4 water berries, 1/3-1/2 power greens, 1/2 banana, and filtered water.

Enjoy-Nourish your body & your soul! Happy New Year!

 

 

Thy Will Be Done . . . Broken Yet Whole

Seattle5After my retreat last May led me to hours of Christian music listening, I’ve heard various songs by Christian artist that I have no clue who they are, but I like the song. Recently, Hillary Scott’s single “Thy Will” stood out amid the feel good pop Christian music. I recognized a certain authenticity and grittiness to the song. A plea of trust, “Thy Will” rose from her family’s personal tragedy of a greatly desired pregnancy that ended in miscarriage. Though I’m unmarried and not seeking pregnancy, the lyrics rang true.

Every couple of weeks, the special man in my life holds my hand and walks with me through the sometimes extreme ups and downs of my internal mental, emotional, and physical struggle with my reproductive health. I’ve written about my personal journey with Creighton Natural Family Planning before. A wealth of knowledge highlighting the overwhelming certainty that I’m broken yet very much whole.

In my lowest moments, the little voice of evil whispers ill thoughts about my worth being tied to my ability to be God’s gift to child bearing or biological motherhood. In the complexities of my reproductive health, complete healing equates to achieving wholeness again, and what I struggle with now is an ancient Biblical slap on my character like the result of past sins or ancestral sin. Basically, my physical weakness makes me less of a woman. Move over prosperity theology and enter Thy Will Be Done.

When I cry to my beloved about my woes and insecurities, the reply challenges what I know but haven’t really embraced: “THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. And the woman you are now is whole, entirely loving, and worthy of love. I love and respect all of you equally not a piece of you more than another. I love you more because of your weaknesses not less.” God works through people to reach us. Of course, my loved ones, and I desire improvement and healing, but my worth isn’t tied to how healthy or not I am.

Now I turn to Thy Will . . .

I know you’re good
But this don’t feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you’re God
And I am not
So

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done.

Who’s On First? Reclaiming the Kiss

courtney carmody-Flickr
Photo Credit: Courtney Carmody/Flickr

Most individuals can hardly imagine a world where couples save their first kiss for their wedding day. Others find the sentiment sweet but unreasonable. Others mock the awkwardness or imperfectness of a public first kiss.

Deep down, I think those people are unsatisfied, restless, possibly jealous, because they desire something greater, whether they realize it or not. Deep in the fiber of our created being made in the image and likeness of God, we are hardwired for something greater, purer, and more loving. Not just earthly love but a reflection of Trinitarian love. When ladies {& men,} including myself, fall away from our divine purpose, a restlessness develops.

I’m not condemning people who kiss before they marry nor advocating waiting until your wedding day. A couple that waits for their wedding day to share their first kiss is no less holy or holier than a couple that shares in that intimacy before marriage. Love is a choice. How we love or fail to love is a choice too. 1 Corinthians 6:19: “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you . . . you are not your own.” Reminding ourselves that we are tabernacles of the Holy Spirit provides ample guidance in sexual morality for now.

And I certainly agree kisses are given away far too liberally today, even for free. It’s a first date? Kiss him. It’s not even a date? Kiss him. I don’t know if he is the “right” one? Kiss him. Because I kissed him I know he isn’t the right one because where was the magic, the spark, the Joie de vivre! When in doubt, our culture says, kiss him!

Instead, I challenge, when in doubt, don’t kiss him. When not in doubt, consider waiting with him.

God created our capacity and desire to kiss on the lips. Since it’s a gateway intimacy, kissing can lead to babies and bonding. Kissing isn’t evil, but certainly can be a near occasion for sin. Every moment of our day is watched, guided, and protected by the Holy Trinity and Mother Mary. When you and I share certain intimacies, a whole celestial audience roots for us. Thank goodness, they remain beside us when we need grace and mercy too. There are many ways to express affection. Sometimes, those intimate expressions feel more satisfying, loving, and purer than a kiss on the lips. My personal favorite is a simple kiss on the forehead. I’m a hopeless romantic, but in my defense, a simple forehead kiss expresses respect, dignity, security, intimacy, hope, etc. The list goes on.

Each couple is unique. Respect and challenge each other to find creative alternatives to kissing on the lips, making out on the couch, etc. In my experience, you both will develop a broader capacity for expressing affection and love that will engender greater dignity and respect for each other.

I once desired to save my first kiss for the man I married on our wedding day. Will the first kiss I ever participated in be saved for my future husband? No. But can I still respect myself and the men in my lives? Yes. Someday, I may find a man I’ll share a first kiss that is pure, simple, and loving because deep down, in my heavenly core, I will know he respects me and I him enough to bring each other closer to Christ out of love and not fear or objectification until death do us part. Together he and I will make a choice. But I leave that in Christ, Mother Mary, and St. Joseph’s capable hands. Until then, I chose to be renewed in Christ.

Nowadays, I reserve my kisses. The kissing bank is shut until a further trust and commitment deposit is made!

Ladies {& Men,} remember your dignity and his dignity the next time you consider sharing a kiss on the lips. This intimate gesture should draw you closer to Christ and your vocation. If not, remember your kiss deserves no less!

St. Joseph, pray for us!