The #Endowarrior Litany of Humility

*** This litany emerged from a night of grappling with God’s plan for my life as a Daughter of the King and as a woman. Where is the source of my worth & dignity? Why must I bear this cross? Why am I lovable? What is authentic femininity? I decided to stop grasping. I truly desire healing and restoration, but I desire being united with God more- come what may. God’s ways are not my ways. You are beautiful. You are enough. You are Made in His Image. ***

THE LITANY OF HUMILITY:

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being a biological mother …
From the desire of being loved for my reproductive health …
From the desire of being extolled for my reproductive health …  
From the desire of being honored for my reproductive health … 
From the desire of being praised for my reproductive health … 
From the desire of being preferred for my reproductive health …
From the desire of being consulted for my reproductive health … 
From the desire of being approved for my reproductive health … 

From the fear of being humiliated because of my womanly struggles …
From the fear of being despised because of my womanly struggles …
From the fear of suffering rebukes because of my womanly struggles …
From the fear of being calumniated because of my womanly struggles …
From the fear of being forgotten because of my womanly struggles …
From the fear of being ridiculed because of my womanly struggles …
From the fear of being wronged because of my womanly struggles …
From the fear of being suspected because of my womanly struggles …

That others may be loved more than I:
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be esteemed more than I as a biological mother, wife, & woman …
That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease … That my trust in your loving and merciful plan for my life may increase … That salvific suffering may open my heart to love beyond measure …
That others may be chosen and I set aside …
That others may be praised and I unnoticed …
That others may be preferred to me in everything…
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…

AMEN.

** original text for the Litany of Humility was found on ewtn.com

Monthly NFP Update: Lessons in Drug Reactions

PSALM 73 (1)

August- a month of opposites. The Creighton Method and Naprotechnology treatment requires a huge helping of patience and humility with a hefty sprinkling of courage and trust. In these moments of increased suffering and confusion, my relationship with God shifts into a more pristine focus- better aligned and less muddled by my pride and control.

For a moment, I thought my body and reproductive track considered cooperating. Somewhere between the travel adventures and joyous occasions my body found enough time and energy to protest my Napro treatment for PMDD. About 6 months ago my PMS diagnosis was revised to a PMDD diagnosis. For those who may not be familiar with PMDD or Post-Dysphoric Menstrual Disorder in the most simplistic definition PMDD is a more severe and volatile version of PMS. After I passed with flying colors the screening for PMDD, my local napro doctor prescribed a medication which used in minute dosages can help your body reset the bio-chemical endocrine processes surrounding the transition from one cycle into the next. But it’s a medication to be respected.

Medical need finally tipped the scale outweighing my reservations, and I successfully took the medication for 5 months before the final hurrah. Looking back at my chart, a few positive affects can be noted. ***And I should disclaim this medication has been beneficial for many women undergoing Napro treatment without or with minimal side-effects.***

This month I only made it through 3 days of my 10 day course before having cardiac and neurological symptoms. I ignored the fluttering heart rate and palpitations the first 3 nights before the neurological symptoms hit which were harder to ignore. On night three, I felt a sudden decline in my mental acuity and a heavy mental fog descend, my rate of exhaustion skyrocket, followed by slowed speech and thought, catapulting into decreased balance and increased dizziness. This led to falls, topples, and bashed knees (and a rather scared and confused Hannah.) Two weeks later I regained my mental acuity and the fog dissipated. It took one week to regain my balance in full. My darkened mood hasn’t rebounded yet. I discontinued my med, consulted with my doctor, and spent time recovering. My doctor and I will need to re-evaluate and discern the next steps.

In many ways, I know I am blessed that nothing more severe or life-threatening happened. In other ways, I recognize my medical de-sensitivity played into my ignorance of the severity of my drug reaction. A hard lessen to learn but an important lessen to know when and what your limitations are and when you should seek professional medical help.

I am frustrated by this set-back in my treatment. I am concerned what the next step will be or if there is a next step. I am worried what the ripple affect will be. Already my cycle has changed without the drug treatment. The brokenness is coming back more recognizable and distinct in my charting. The weakness if pouring into where the healing was. I offer up my cup of brokenness and weakness to God. He makes all things good. Everyday He keeps repeating, “Hannah, you are good.” And to that light of love I cling.

“Though my flesh and my heart fail, God is the rock of my heart, my portion forever.” – Psalm 73: 26