Dear Creighton NFP (1 Year Later),

Approximately one year ago I wrote an open letter about Creighton NFP outlining my hope, fears, and frustrations. One Year later, I figured I should follow-up.

Dear Creighton Model:

Not only did you totally kick me in the keister, you pushed me to the boundaries of sheer sanity. NFP continues to affirm and heighten my belief that there IS A GOD, and I’m not God.

Wholly smokes! When my system is working in harmony, it’s like the restored, gleaming Sistine Chapel. When my reproductive tract falls into discord, it’s like the Sistine Chapel with loin clothes added and years of grime and gunk covering the paintings. Being a woman is always beautiful, but sometimes that vision is easier to recognize some days rather than others.

Recently that vision has been nigh impossible to decipher. I’ve left a trail of tears and pleas in your wake. I cry out to God all the day long and all the night too begging for His infinite mercy and guidance. Though I resolutely practice and follow your guidelines, I struggle daily. Apparently, there is pain, and then there is PAIN. Who knew hormones were so amazingly powerful and important to the simplest and most complex bodily functions. Who knew you could have low grade infections not for months but for years. Thanks to NFP I learned I have a new breaking point. I learned control is much more elusive concept than before. I’m more broken than even I realized.

Sometimes I’m angry with God and disagree with His plan. As I told a priest friend in confession: “God is asking too much.” Daily I make a commitment to offering my pain, suffering, and frustration for the conversion of sinners and the salvation of souls. If you have to suffer, one might as well suffer well. But suffering well doesn’t make the actual suffering easier just more meaningful.

For those who are quaking in their boots by the above description, every uncertain and frustrating day is worthwhile rather than denying who God created me as a woman. Rejecting and denying having a reproductive tract that can malfunction and become ill like any other system of your body may seem like a good idea, but isn’t. Creighton NFP isn’t limiting but freeing. My heart breaks over the though of countless women and medical professionals denying their bodies and providing only a band-aid solution for serious issues. Only when you’re illuminated through the eyes of God can you see yourself for the breathtaking creation you are.

The most important lesson learned thus far is to see myself as God sees me. Beautiful. Whole. Enough. Fearfully and Wonderfully Made. Made in His Image.

With All My Respect and Admiration,

Hannah

P.S. Please, find and fix something soon. I pray for strength and courage.

Thy Will Be Done . . . Broken Yet Whole

After my retreat last May led me to hours of Christian music listening, I’ve heard various songs by Christian artist that I have no clue who they are, but I like the song. Recently, Hillary Scott’s single “Thy Will” stood out amid the feel good pop Christian music. I recognized a certain authenticity and grittiness to the song. A plea of trust, “Thy Will” rose from her family’s personal tragedy of a greatly desired pregnancy that ended in miscarriage. Though I’m unmarried and not seeking pregnancy, the lyrics rang true.

Every couple of weeks, the special man in my life holds my hand and walks with me through the sometimes extreme ups and downs of my internal mental, emotional, and physical struggle with my reproductive health. I’ve written about my personal journey with Creighton Natural Family Planning before. A wealth of knowledge highlighting the overwhelming certainty that I’m broken yet very much whole.

In my lowest moments, the little voice of evil whispers ill thoughts about my worth being tied to my ability to be God’s gift to child bearing or biological motherhood. In the complexities of my reproductive health, complete healing equates to achieving wholeness again, and what I struggle with now is an ancient Biblical slap on my character like the result of past sins or ancestral sin. Basically, my physical weakness makes me less of a woman. Move over prosperity theology and enter Thy Will Be Done.

When I cry to my beloved about my woes and insecurities, the reply challenges what I know but haven’t really embraced: “THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. And the woman you are now is whole, entirely loving, and worthy of love. I love and respect all of you equally not a piece of you more than another. I love you more because of your weaknesses not less.” God works through people to reach us. Of course, my loved ones, and I desire improvement and healing, but my worth isn’t tied to how healthy or not I am.

Now I turn to Thy Will . . .

I know you’re good
But this don’t feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you’re God
And I am not
So

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done.

An Honest Letter About Creighton NFP

Dear Creighton Model:

You totally kicked me in the keister. Learning about you has been one of the most rewarding and challenging experiences of my life. The more I learn the more that learning curve and the knowledge acquired affirms and heightens my belief that there IS A GOD, and I’m not God.

Wholly smokes! My body is complex, intricate, and beautiful. My reproductive system is like the almost nigh unbreakable encryption machine Enigma and Creighton the machine that broke Enigma. The point being is that the code can be broken and interpreted even if it seems rather complex and overwhelming at times. As a woman, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. When my system is working in harmony, it’s like the restored, gleaming Sistine Chapel. When my reproductive tract falls into discord, it’s like the Sistine Chapel with loin clothes added and years of grime and gunk covering the paintings. Being a woman is always beautiful, but sometimes that vision is easier to recognize some days than others.

When I started pulling out my hair over “essential sameness” and yellow stickers, you never failed to frustrate me even more. I thought I might go insane comparing today to yesterday, two days ago, three days ago, one week ago, etc. But after beating my head against the wall, I’m eternally grateful God lifted me up and gave me the strength to tackle “essential sameness” mastery. Now I feel accomplished and knowledgeable and  . . . well humble too. Essential sameness is actually awesome.

When my naprotechnologist ordered the 25 day hormone assessment panel that involved blood draws on 10+ specific days of my cycle, I never imagined how involved the process would be. I underestimated the hours my Dad,  Mom, and I spent in the ER, outpatient clinic, or the hospital cafeteria waiting for the blood to be spun and processed. I never purchased dry ice before shipping the vials to Nebraska. Dry ice burns. Duly note. I promise I took Honors High School Chemistry.

When my napro doctor explained my test results and how multiple hormones weren’t just off but precipitously off, I felt cold and numb. Then I realized this knowledge helped explain the bizarre and taxing symptoms I felt. But a sense of hope surged that a treatment plan could heal the underlying issue(s).

When I picked up my first progesterone oil and inter-muscular injection needle set, I struggled to keep a straight face while the pharmacist explained injecting myself into the tush or thigh. The other part of me felt as though I had entered into an alternate reality. Really, God?

Since last August, you and I embarked on a long and arduous journey. We knew it wouldn’t be easy when we started as a naive Creighton newbie 10 months ago. I realize now some woman have less complicated cycles and others make ours seem manageable. This recognition has taught me humility. I’ve learned a new language about how to express an intricate part of being a woman and relating to a man. Trust me. My conversations with my special man friend are epic. This method teaches perseverance and endurance. You have taught me ownership of my body, pride of ownership. Pride in all its wonder and awe. Pride also in its flaws and complications. Creighton, you teach me lessons each day. The most important lesson learned thus far is to see myself as God sees me. Beautiful. Whole. Enough. Fearfully and Wonderfully Made. Made in His Image.

With All Respect and Admiration,

Hannah

P.S. Thank you for kicking my keister. Now simmer down a little, please. Jesus, I trust in you.